Teshuvah
Recently a friend declared on her Instagram stories that I am the busiest person she knows. On our recent Q&A on YouTube we responded to numerous questions regarding me being busy "SuperMom." Friends, I used to be much, much busier. In fact, I am pointedly not busy right now. Two summers ago, I hit a breaking point with my health. I crashed and burned in every sense of the word. As I began to figure out what was going on and what my body was screaming for, I embraced the return of my energy, mental wellness, and physical health and jumped back in to all the things!!! I love nurturing people. It's my honor as a mama and wife, and my profession as a multi-certified doula. It fills my cup to pour myself into others, and I was so grateful to be physically able to do so once again, but I still have what I jokingly refer to as an illness that the cure for is diligent self-care.
As you might imagine, I began to burn out again. Last August I began feeling emotionally depleted as people began asking me to bear more and more of their loads of service, and I found myself dealing with physical symptoms, but most of all mentally and spiritually drained. I began feeling God really speaking to my heart to dig in to the Biblical feasts of Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. As soon as I began learning about these holidays I saw a term repeating: Teshuvah. It was one of those things that I did not understand at first, but because it kept coming up I knew it was something significant, something I was meant to investigate. In short,
Over the course of the month of September, I found this making more and more sense. It did not take long to realize exactly what The Father was trying to say to me, what I needed to return to in my life. My family.
Not everyone has a family. Many women weep and ache for a child, and The Father has given me six to cherish. No one is guaranteed a spouse. Most women spend years on the hunt for Mr. Right, and The Father has given me the most incredible man I have ever known in my entire life- a man who cherishes me, supports me, loves me when I don't deserve it, and is the most long-suffering person I can imagine. We have a home, not just a dwelling, but a home filled with love, joy, laughter, and energy, and I was spending most of my time tossing just enough over my shoulder at them while pouring myself into other things and people. There are absolutely times and places where God asks us to give so much of ourselves to others, but this was not meant to be my existence. Through Teshuvah I felt God telling me to return to my home. Give them my first fruits, not my scraps no one else was demanding. They are of utmost importance. They are my primary mission field. They are the gifts The Father literally handed directly to ME.
I was immediately overcome with guilt. But if I don't serve on this team, organize this event, care for this situation, take on this responsibility, then who WILL?! It was then that I was hit with a big, "AHA!" moment:
As you might imagine, I began to burn out again. Last August I began feeling emotionally depleted as people began asking me to bear more and more of their loads of service, and I found myself dealing with physical symptoms, but most of all mentally and spiritually drained. I began feeling God really speaking to my heart to dig in to the Biblical feasts of Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. As soon as I began learning about these holidays I saw a term repeating: Teshuvah. It was one of those things that I did not understand at first, but because it kept coming up I knew it was something significant, something I was meant to investigate. In short,
Teshuvah means to return. To come back to what you once knew. To repent for something enslaving you and return to the right path. To return to The Father and wait patiently for instruction.
Over the course of the month of September, I found this making more and more sense. It did not take long to realize exactly what The Father was trying to say to me, what I needed to return to in my life. My family.
Not everyone has a family. Many women weep and ache for a child, and The Father has given me six to cherish. No one is guaranteed a spouse. Most women spend years on the hunt for Mr. Right, and The Father has given me the most incredible man I have ever known in my entire life- a man who cherishes me, supports me, loves me when I don't deserve it, and is the most long-suffering person I can imagine. We have a home, not just a dwelling, but a home filled with love, joy, laughter, and energy, and I was spending most of my time tossing just enough over my shoulder at them while pouring myself into other things and people. There are absolutely times and places where God asks us to give so much of ourselves to others, but this was not meant to be my existence. Through Teshuvah I felt God telling me to return to my home. Give them my first fruits, not my scraps no one else was demanding. They are of utmost importance. They are my primary mission field. They are the gifts The Father literally handed directly to ME.
I was immediately overcome with guilt. But if I don't serve on this team, organize this event, care for this situation, take on this responsibility, then who WILL?! It was then that I was hit with a big, "AHA!" moment:
That is not your concern. You are not the Savior of the World. You are not the lone person hearing My Voice. You only need to carry the yoke I give you. Let ME carry the weight of the world.So I quit my commitments. Good things- wonderful things. I quit them all. I made my family, my home, my health, and my relationship with God my priorities. I'm delighting in my children, adoring my husband, ravenously leaning into my God, and learning how to make my better health a lifestyle. We're gathering with friends and digging deep into the lifegiving relationships being offered instead of the brief facetime with many at convenient gatherings, and serving only when I feel HIM nudge me forward. You may see me as busy, but friends, I am choosing the better part, the part meant just for me, right now, in this season. Maybe more later. I can't be sure. All I know is that I am learning to listen for His voice to say, "Do this," before committing, keeping my heart open, teachable, and waiting for His instruction, and pouring myself into my primary mission field hand-picked just for me. I am leaning into and walking out this Teshuvah.
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