Making Me-Time In The Trenches
What do you think of when I say the phrase, "Self-care"? It's become a buzz phrase the last couple years, and a controversial one at that. Is it selfish? Is it necessary? Is it selfish NOT to practice self-care? I suppose to answer those questions one must first define what it means to herself. For a long time I eschewed the idea of self-care because to me it meant selfishness. Taking time for me meant sacrificing something my family needed from me to give only to myself. Perhaps that was just my mindset, but maybe it was my stage of life, too. I've lived some pretty intense life stages on this journey thus far, and some of them honestly did not allow for anything I could practically call self-care. Things are a bit different now.
This week I was talking to a friend who is in a very intense stage of life. She has a child with special needs and a newborn. Either of those alone adds some real intensity to life's stages, but together can be very draining. Both children require a lot from her physically, mentally, and emotionally all day, and she felt like she was drowning. I get it. Those completely loving people intending only to encourage and support were dishing out the clichés like, "Just sit and hold that baby. This time passes so quickly." A beautiful sentiment. The doula in me cheers. But the mama who has birthed six babies, been through the newborn stage with five of them, is homeschooling the four school aged, runs three 'businesses' from home, has two children with extra needs, and only one of me knows that is just not practical. It's just not. Yes, hold the baby. Love the baby. Soak in all of her babiness that is so fleeting. But also make it work. For me it took lowering my standards for the number of things checked off my to-do's, getting really painfully honest about true priorities, and figuring out a way to make it work. So how does a mama in this stage scraping just to get her people fed, clothed, bathed, and dishes clean manage that seemingly sacrificial self-care?
Sorry, I can't tell you that. No really, I can't. It will look different for every person, but what I can tell you is that true self-care, the kind where you're caring for yourself, the human who needs her needs met, too, is not selfish. It is, in fact, necessary. It doesn't have to be pedicures, shopping sprees, weekend vacations with your girls wearing matching tees and sipping umbrella drinks. It can be taking a shower. It can be taking the extra minutes to shave your legs. It can be pointedly making a meal for YOU instead of swiping the leftovers off of all the little plates so food isn't wasted and your milk supply doesn't drop while you're scampering to get the kitchen picked up during a brief window the baby is happily in her swing. It can be filling a Mason jar with water as soon as you get up and chugging it, then setting reminders on your phone to repeat every few hours. Maybe get a little crazy and throw a probiotic or methylated multivitamin down the hatch while you're chugging. Whatever it is that you can fit into your days that helps nourish you body, mind, and spirit, because the Heavenly Father cares for you, too. You are a temple, and your temple needs upkeep, too. He wants you well.
Graciously, we are coming out of a very intense stage of life. Nearly five months ago my husband was seriously injured, leaving his right arm all but useless. Two months ago he had surgery to repair in. Adding a bearded newborn who could do very little for himself and was in serious constant pain has a way of ramping up life's intensity. He has improved, little by little, especially in the last month, and for that I am so, so grateful. It reminded me, though, of what life with tinies is like. How intense that is. How my own health and care was tossed by the wayside, and how that has had the dire consequence of developing an autoimmune disease. But what do you do when all the things are screaming your name? How do you decide what is heard, what is shoved aside, what is told to wait? It's that elusive balance we all seem to pine for in life that I am sure does not exist. I'm a planner girl. Try as I might, they don't solve things. I'm a list-maker. Sadly, they don't accomplish themselves. I'm a classic Martha personality over-committer, but my life bears witness to the fact that I burn out. What has helped? Priorities. Lowering my standards. Self-care. When I have a realistic picture of my day, appropriate priorities for my current life stage, and have filled my cup the best I can, God supernaturally allows my cup to spill forth His goodness on my day. These days, that looks like my afternoon sweet spot. There are so many things screaming my name, but for 30-60 minutes, I tell them to pipe down. My kids lay down for rest time(I make the bigs lay and have quiet reading time the same time as my tinies nap because I need a brain break), I get the laundry going, the dishwasher running, and the robot vacuum cleaner humming, then I sit, huge water jar(or coffee mug) in hand, and I read. One chapter from a book that is life-giving to me while every possible passive form of productivity buzzes around me, and I give myself that moment. Self-care. I can tell you with absolute certainty that it transforms my day.
This week I was talking to a friend who is in a very intense stage of life. She has a child with special needs and a newborn. Either of those alone adds some real intensity to life's stages, but together can be very draining. Both children require a lot from her physically, mentally, and emotionally all day, and she felt like she was drowning. I get it. Those completely loving people intending only to encourage and support were dishing out the clichés like, "Just sit and hold that baby. This time passes so quickly." A beautiful sentiment. The doula in me cheers. But the mama who has birthed six babies, been through the newborn stage with five of them, is homeschooling the four school aged, runs three 'businesses' from home, has two children with extra needs, and only one of me knows that is just not practical. It's just not. Yes, hold the baby. Love the baby. Soak in all of her babiness that is so fleeting. But also make it work. For me it took lowering my standards for the number of things checked off my to-do's, getting really painfully honest about true priorities, and figuring out a way to make it work. So how does a mama in this stage scraping just to get her people fed, clothed, bathed, and dishes clean manage that seemingly sacrificial self-care?
Sorry, I can't tell you that. No really, I can't. It will look different for every person, but what I can tell you is that true self-care, the kind where you're caring for yourself, the human who needs her needs met, too, is not selfish. It is, in fact, necessary. It doesn't have to be pedicures, shopping sprees, weekend vacations with your girls wearing matching tees and sipping umbrella drinks. It can be taking a shower. It can be taking the extra minutes to shave your legs. It can be pointedly making a meal for YOU instead of swiping the leftovers off of all the little plates so food isn't wasted and your milk supply doesn't drop while you're scampering to get the kitchen picked up during a brief window the baby is happily in her swing. It can be filling a Mason jar with water as soon as you get up and chugging it, then setting reminders on your phone to repeat every few hours. Maybe get a little crazy and throw a probiotic or methylated multivitamin down the hatch while you're chugging. Whatever it is that you can fit into your days that helps nourish you body, mind, and spirit, because the Heavenly Father cares for you, too. You are a temple, and your temple needs upkeep, too. He wants you well.
Graciously, we are coming out of a very intense stage of life. Nearly five months ago my husband was seriously injured, leaving his right arm all but useless. Two months ago he had surgery to repair in. Adding a bearded newborn who could do very little for himself and was in serious constant pain has a way of ramping up life's intensity. He has improved, little by little, especially in the last month, and for that I am so, so grateful. It reminded me, though, of what life with tinies is like. How intense that is. How my own health and care was tossed by the wayside, and how that has had the dire consequence of developing an autoimmune disease. But what do you do when all the things are screaming your name? How do you decide what is heard, what is shoved aside, what is told to wait? It's that elusive balance we all seem to pine for in life that I am sure does not exist. I'm a planner girl. Try as I might, they don't solve things. I'm a list-maker. Sadly, they don't accomplish themselves. I'm a classic Martha personality over-committer, but my life bears witness to the fact that I burn out. What has helped? Priorities. Lowering my standards. Self-care. When I have a realistic picture of my day, appropriate priorities for my current life stage, and have filled my cup the best I can, God supernaturally allows my cup to spill forth His goodness on my day. These days, that looks like my afternoon sweet spot. There are so many things screaming my name, but for 30-60 minutes, I tell them to pipe down. My kids lay down for rest time(I make the bigs lay and have quiet reading time the same time as my tinies nap because I need a brain break), I get the laundry going, the dishwasher running, and the robot vacuum cleaner humming, then I sit, huge water jar(or coffee mug) in hand, and I read. One chapter from a book that is life-giving to me while every possible passive form of productivity buzzes around me, and I give myself that moment. Self-care. I can tell you with absolute certainty that it transforms my day.
How do you practice self-care in the trenches of motherhood?
I recently started reading again. I chastised myself for a time, for "being lazy" and laying on my couch for nearly a month, catching up on a decade of novels sitting on my shelf and kindle, untouched. Then I really took a look at what life has been and realized I needed the rest. The tangible rest.
ReplyDeleteNext I stumbled across a supplement for adrenal gland support, and though it's only been a week, so far it is very nearly life changing. I want less coffee, less food. I'm not fighting to stay awake, or to control my mood. An afternoon nap has become restorative vs sheer survival based to be able to wash the dishes and pick up the floor. I bought a 6 month supply with our tax return, and I am so glad I did. This and counseling sessions are the self care I am actively seeking right now. Dealing with the stress we are currently under has taken a very real toll on my body.
I am so glad you've found these avenues that are practical and life-giving in your every day. That is imperative. And I am a HUGE proponent for therapy! Healing mamas are better equipped to raise healthy babies.
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