Thursday, May 26, 2016

Two Months Time

I want to write. Often I'm driving down the highway, kids chattering in the back, Laurie Berkner playing my jam(Wait a minute! We don't take showers!), and something pops in my head. I mull it over the whole way home, my brain begins working on the magnificent blog it will become. Then I pull in the driveway, kids start to unload, I begin giving directives on who needs to carry what and what's next in our day, and every thought of that wonderful mental blog vanishes. Numerous times I have sat down, laptop on my thighs the next time I have the luxury of sitting down while I nurse the baby, and try to recall those brilliant thoughts only to come up empty. 100% completely and utterly empty. What had me so fired-up, so excited, so rip-roaring and ready to write my heart out but nothing comes. For some one who for my entire life has written to express the passions of my heart, this is frustrating. Almost draining in a way, if that makes sense. I want to write out, process, and spill forth this piece, but my crappy memory keeps my heart 'all blocked up.' Ten points if you know which character on The Office says that. So that's why it's been two months and two days since I've blogged. Because I have too many thoughts, too many ideas, and ultimately, too many things taking up my brain space. 
   In the beginning of April, we planted our garden.

See? That's me, 38 weeks pregnant, rototilling. 

It's growing so much better than last year's garden. I'm thrilled. We've already harvested radishes for several weeks, and our peas and beans are blossoming, so their fruit, I know, is not far behind. The peppers and tomatoes have tiny blossoms, and the broccoli has little heads in the center of their glorious, green, leafy stalks. 

The first of many radish hauls 
Then I had a baby. A big, beautiful, 9.5 lb baby boy we call Solly. He's pretty much amazing. 

Homework and Smooshy snuggles
Oh, I didn't mention? I enrolled for another session of doula training classes April 1st. Yes, three weeks before my due date with my sixth child. Yes, I know I'm crazy. I embrace it. Maybe that has something to do with my overwhelmed brain space these days?
So I've tried to write Solly's birth story many times. SO many times. There's just so much to say. So much I feel like I NEED to say, that it must be carefully thought-out to ensure everything's included and said as it needs to be, but it's hard. It's really emotionally draining. See, I had this vision of how the birth of my precious rainbow baby would go. A vision of an incredible, empowering, healing birth, in a hospital out of necessity, but something I could write about and claim victory with. But what really happened was a very different story. A very difficult, long, physically and emotionally traumatic birth that I am still coming to terms with. 

One of several of my favorite pictures by our amazing birth photographer,
Tracy, of EDC Images

Three days after Solly was born, my precious warrior nephew, Andy, went to be with Jesus. He has battled Alpers' Disease since he was 13 months old, and he beat the odds of 3 years that the doctors gave him, and made it six extra years. It was bittersweet to say good-bye to him. Another post I am working on, of course. 

Our school year is done. We finished just before Solly was born. Any shock that's the topic of yet another blog-in-process? Now we're staying busy with gardening, nature studies, cooking classes(taught by me), library trips, and the occasional play date with friends. 

Library trips are our favorite way to spend rainy days
So I'm busy. Very busy. Even though I never leave the house- though I do on Thursdays for Bible study(One of the many things every week that leave my heart wanting to spew forth a blog on the drive home that my driveway has a way of sucking into oblivion) and most of my time is spent playing with and feeding children. It's a good busy. It's living life- a life that I love. But  piece of me misses writing so intensely that it feels like a real loss to not be able to write like I have for decades. Maybe it's a new season of change and I'll never write regularly again. Maybe it's just for now while we go through this adjustment.  Whatever it is, the Xangan in me who used to write multiple times a day seems like a long ago existence. Yep, Xanga. I'm that old. HA!

Quiet down, cobwebs; dust, go to sleep.
I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep.