He's Not Naughty, YOU'RE Not Listening

   Since writing Grace and Parenting I have been frequently asked how one would listen to their child in the manner I suggested, and not be an insanely permissive parent with an out-of-control home. So many moms suggested this was not only impossible, but not biblical.
   Firstly, God made my children. They are HIS, not mine. It is a profound privilege that I get to raise them. Sure, I birthed them, but FIRST, God made them. They are and always will be His. It is our divine duty as parents to treat that commission with the profound respect that it deserves. That starts with respecting our children. Yes, respecting our children. They are magnificent creations of God and if for no other reason, they are to be treated respectfully, kindly, gently, with self control, and every other attribute God tells us to treat our fellow man. Not only is this serving God in and of itself, it also shows your children what respect looks like. Respect is not interrupting our children, it's hearing their words. Respect is not yelling at them, telling them to be quiet and simply trying to silence their voices when it suits you, or berating them when they disobey. Respect is hearing them. That doesn't always mean letting them talk for hours. It means seeing them in their childlike expressions of anger, frustration, fear, and delight even if it's not being expressed in words, and acknowledging they're human and their voices are valid. If you don't want your children to speak to you or treat you a certain way, don't treat them that way. They learn by watching. There is no room for, "You will respect me because I am your parent!" No, your children will respect you if you earned it, modeled it, and developed relationship worthy of their respect. Your children may be coerced into treating you with respectful behaviors, but true respect comes from the heart. You need to truly respect your children, recognizing their value in your heart before your actions as a parent will display that genuine behavior. The same is true for your children.

Delight in your children. Take time to really look at them, study the incredible individuals they are, and praise God for that. Notice it, love it, enjoy it. 

   I find people often use the words "discipline" and "punish" interchangeably, when in fact they are very, very, very different things.
   Discipline comes from the root Disciple. The verb "disciple" means, "To teach; Train."
   Punish means, "To subject to pain, loss, confinement, etc, as penalty of offense."
I do not punish my children. I discipline them. It is my God-given role as parent to teach my children. You may think, Oh, it's just a word. It really doesn't matter. It does. It is everything. If you think there is no difference in those words that speaks loudly to the state of your heart. When you disciple some one, you build relationship. You don't seek to harm some one so adherence to rules is more comfortable, you seek to cultivate their hearts and show them the better way, why it's the better way, and why it's worth it.

   When you respect your children, when you're delighting in them as incredible humans, and when your heart is to disciple them instead of simply requiring adherence to your code of conduct, you hear them and see them in a whole new light. 

   I have been blessed with several children the world would label as "strong willed." From very young they have a strong opinion about things and they let it be known loudly and in any circumstance. My two youngest boys have been particularly strong-willed toddlers. Yes, toddlers are toddlers are toddlers, but my Aar and Sol are exceptionally strong-willed. When Aar was less than a year old he would crawl into my husband's office whenever he was home from work, pull up on the arms of the chair, and jabber for attention. If he wasn't heard in just a few seconds, he would quietly pursue Plan B. Plan B was always a winner. That little blond would drop to his chubby little hands and knees, crawl under the chair to the computer tower, and very calmly and purposefully press the power button. Instant black screen, Daddy(a hard-working full time IT analyst and Master's degree student) would shout in surprise, "AARON JAMES!" We all knew what that meant. We all knew he would do it. And yet we gave him the opportunity by not listening to his baby words requesting attention over and over and over. He would do the same in many different situations, especially when I was on the phone. He would come to me, grab my legs and try to communicate, but I would absent-mindedly continue my conversation, brush him off, and continue. My non-answer was an answer. The next move was his. There were several things he would do to then get my attention, like start pounding on the baby gate at the top of the stairs of our split level home(he only did this to get attention, not to get downstairs), push chairs around to get up on the kitchen counter solely to sit up there and yell until some one noticed he was there and ran to get him down. Another specialty of his when I was on the phone and he wanted my attention was to find a pack of baby wipes and just begin yanking out wipes rapid-fire until it was empty and he was surrounded by a wall of wipes, or crawl to the TV stand an begin pulling out DVD's and throwing them across the room. As soon as I would be pulled from my phone conversation by the commotion, I would exclaim about it while rescuing him from whatever situation he'd created while he was grinning, then communicating his need since he now had my attention. The person on the phone would often say something to the effect of what a naughty little boy he was. No, he's not naughty at all. He's incredibly smart. I wasn't listening and he was doing what he needed to do to get my attention. He was communicating. I wasn't listening. 

When my almost-2-year-old now is whiny, hanging on me, asking to be held, but I am just too busy with my own pursuits to meet his needs and he begins acting out, I should in no way be surprised. He's communicating. I need to listen. 

When my 5-year-old has a short fuse, keeps fighting with siblings, and begins lashing out at his brother, slapping and kicking, he's telling my something(and it's rarely, "I need a spanking."). I need to listen. 

When my 7-year-old lies about something, she's communicating. I need to listen.

When my 9-year-old is irrationally(to me) triggered and behavior is out of control, he's communicating. I need to listen. 

When my oldest as a preteen gets a bad attitude, snippy with her siblings, and is slow with chores, her behavior is communicating. I need to listen. 

All of these situations and every single other one I face as a parent every single day requires discipleship with my children, not punishment. My children are telling me things and it is my God-given duty to listen. As toddlers I need to walk them through communicating. You want a drink? You want WATER(signing as I speak)? Okay! Let's get you WATER. As my children get older, I need to continue to teach them to communicate, but it might look a bit differently. Helping my oldest understand when she's feeling so irrationally frustrated that hormone cycles are coming into play and she needs to listen to her own body to help work through these times is walking her through communicating, but if I were to just look at her behavior alone and punish her, I wouldn't be seeing the person struggling, the thirsty toddler, the child frustrated with a situation, the preteen dealing with physiological changes, the child with Autism struggling with a changing weather front. I want to capture their hearts, delight in them, see them as humans to be respected, known, and heard. In a word: Discipleship.